I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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