im drinking this country out of the recession.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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