i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
