it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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