I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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