why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
whose parrot is this?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Randomize
