My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
