I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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