Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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