I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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