I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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