do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
