I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
