you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
