apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize