Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
