No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
