It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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