I hate your face
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
