Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
