How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
