I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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