in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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