i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
And then he peed in my hair
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