Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Randomize
