i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
