i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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