I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
