I just pynch a tree in the face
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
