i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
