There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
