I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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