Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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