It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
