From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
