omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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