So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
