Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Randomize
