Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
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