he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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