please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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