I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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