just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
