I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Randomize
