Can i not drive my cunt home
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
you are never too drunk for berry picking
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
