i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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