i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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