I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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