Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
