My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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