That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
