the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
