I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
