everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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