how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
