For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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