Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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