My cat gives me a boner
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
