I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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