Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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