all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
